patient records

scratch

2010-04-01T22:38:00.003+08:00

我将车匙轻轻碰触在电梯淡黄的铁门上。

“轻轻刮一下吧，”有一把声音说。

“啊不，狠狠地刮下去！”那声音又说。

于是我大力地在淡黄的电梯门上划了一道半寸长的刮痕。

就在同一时候，我露出了惊讶和抱歉的表情，连忙用指头擦拭着刮痕，似乎想让什么人看见，自己是一不小心才把电梯门刮花的。

明明我是故意的，为什么还装成一副不小心的样子？

在只有我一个人的电梯里，我连对着自己都变得虚伪起来。

季节性

2010-03-26T21:49:00.004+08:00

下班时，依然下着倾盆大雨。因为想看看城市的雨景，特地驱车下吉隆坡，结果塞在车龙里，动弹不得。生活在这个城市，没能学外国人的语气，季节性地说：“天气转冷了，秋天又到了吧～”，不过能时不时感叹：“最近路上车子又好像比较多了，是塞车的季节了呢”，也算经历季节的转换，生活还不至于太过枯燥吧。

我默默踩着刹车器，心想，愤怒的季节又到了。妈的。

negaraku

2009-12-24T22:54:00.003+08:00

走过高速公路，看见nike广告牌上大大印着：TANAH TUMPAHNYA DARAHKU，惊然发觉自己唱了这么多年的国歌里，原来有段这么优美的文字。

petrol station

2009-04-23T22:40:00.004+08:00

It's 1:30am.

I drove pass the market covered in dark. Indians camouflaged themselves under the shadow of the street lights. They sat, with empty bottles, on the road kerb opposite the Mamak (it's probably an Indian's) stall, where the other Comrades were staring over the TV screen for the lady whose name they never knew.

Just after the corner the polis had set up their trap for the night. A middle-age officer with no expression on his face, stopped me, shone his torch light on me, and signaled me to go. I must have looked kind.

I dashed pass the yellow lights, drove over the bridges, overtook some stupid looking vehicles, passed by the lake garden and speed to the end the empty road along the compound of Bukit Aman.

Over the traffic light cars and motocycles were lining up into the Merdeka Square. Chicks were hugging their abang from the back, and exposing behind them their waist between the flip of their forever-tighten T-shirt. These abang were not the Yamaha dudes, these were the Modenas, with loose jeans and cheap sport shoes, sitting straight up like in the classroom.

I drove pass the mosque, and then the train station.

I drove pass the Chinese Assemble Hall, pass the Chinese school, pass the night club with another flock of desperate predator. Cars were queuing for their lonely soul to be sucked up for nothing.

Then I drove pass the petrol station. Their lights shone like a huge UFO. I saw creatures like Aliens floating in the the sky watching at me as i watched them. With their lit-up forefingers they coveyed to me some sacred message in an unknown language. Abandon ship. Wisdom from some billion light-years away.

But I have got no where to escape, i thought to myself.

When it fell night the city was indeed a mysterious creature.

At this odd moment of the night, my car caress over her body in a gentle swift. I sucked from her breast my never-ending sorrow and solitude.

meditation

2009-04-01T20:57:00.003+08:00

the light that plays like a naked child,
among the green leaves
happily knows not that man can lie

man is worse than an animal
when he is an animal

i thank thee that i am none of the wheels of power
but i am one with the living creatures that are crushed by it

wrong cannot afford defeat
but right can

'i have lost my dewdrop'
cries the flower to the morning sky
that has lost all its stars

sit still my heart
do not raise your dust
let the world find its way to you

-Stray Birds-
Rabindranath Tagore

stop and stare

2009-03-25T22:57:00.007+08:00

this town is colder now
i think it's sick of us
it's time to make our move
i'm shakin' off the rust
i've got my heart set on anywhere but here
i'm staring down myself, counting up the years
steady hands just take the wheel
every glance is killing me
time to make one last appeal for the life i lead

stop and stare
i think i'm moving but i go nowhere
yeah, i know that everyone gets scared
but i've become what i can't be
stop and stare
you start to wonder why you're here not there
and you'd give anything to get what's fair
but fair ain't what you really need
oh, can you see what i see

they're tryin' to come back, all my senses push
untie the weight bags i never thought i could
steady feet don't fail me now, i'm gonna run till you can't walk
but something pulls my focus out, and i'm standing down

stop and stare
i think i'm moving but i go nowhere
yeah, i know that everyone gets scared
but i've become what i can't be
stop and stare
you start to wonder why you're here not there
and you'd give anything to get what's fair
but fair ain't what you really need
oh, you don't need

stop and stare
i think i'm moving but i go nowhere
yeah, i know that everyone gets scared
but i've become what i can't be
oh, do you see what i see

OneRepublic
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-3JPGkKZ6c

off work late

2009-01-08T21:47:00.015+08:00

off work late. parked my car at level 5 today, and as usual it was emptied by this time of the day. i dragged myself into the car, drove down the ramps slowly.

level 4a. level 4. level 3a. level 3.

level 2a. the first flourescent light was blinking helplessly.

i steadily drove pass the row of columns at my right. on my left darkness of the night watched quietly like a tired monster.

there was only one car left. a proton wira just like mine, sandwiched in between two extra huge, unpropotionate columns. the light above it was out.

only did i notice when i approached closer, that this weird-feeling car was actually, my own car. same plate number, same grey color, same dirt, same dream-catcher.

i was startled, stomped on my brake out of shock.

it could not be my car.

as i quickly checked the dream-catcher still hanging in front of me, i saw, from the rearview mirror, a guy approaching from the back. he was wearing a colourless pants, blue shirt, swinging his arm loosely from his stiff shoulder as he whistled to his car.

i recognized this blurry gesture, this slumber and stupid looking shirt.

it was nobody but me.

i observed him carefully. the pounding of my heart seemed to have blown my head off.

now he must have seen me. i saw him lowering down his body, peek at me back in the rearview mirror. he waved his hand and smiled.

i felt the shiver from my back. my hair stood.

i stepped on the acceleration pedal and my engine died.

the sun rises as usual

2008-12-14T22:30:00.004+08:00

it has been a while..since i last put any thoughts into words..

not exactly in the mood of saying anything, or maybe there is not much to talk recently. been exploring the world of blogging through this invitation just now. and stumbled upon (unintentionally i must say) some piece which i think is not intended to be post up here.

the tv is showing some movie, which seems nonsensical to many, but i guess there is always a message, just that we don't get it. just like those crazy people whom 'normal beings' like us, like to criticise and discriminate to some extend. it is in fact much easier and sometimes more enjoyable even, working for them. dont know if it is appropriate using the word 'for'..but i think it is justifiable as to some extend i do serve them.

it has been a nice interval, wherever i get worked up and cursing through, the next day i get a change of mood. crazy they may be, but to me they are far more innocent and well-mannered than those bloody idiots who are better off damned.

how do people connect to each other? how should people connect to each other? how if u do not know if u really know what is he thinking about anymore? how if at some point in life u begin to ponder is this how i should live my life but then life continues the way it does, everyday? how if there seem to be not much conversation/exchanging of thoughts going on, but it is always brushed aside as a temporary thing, which could be normal? how if ...and the list goes on..

the movie is coming to an end..and things which seem weird starts to make sense now..

this is just a jumble of thoughts..as i said earlier..

it has been a while..

*wild strawberries sounds nice..

cig

2008-11-26T23:15:00.006+08:00

“嗱看，接不下去了。”她笑着看了看我，带着鄙视的眼光。

“不，我的意思是，”我想办法在瞎编，“我是说，如果你是因为别人在外面抽烟，你为了证明你没有鄙视人家，就特地坐外面，你就是在鄙视人家。”

“嗯，没有啊，有很多因素，”她想想，“你说的maybe是其中之一，不过我也想吹吹自然空气，而且，里面位子没得靠，所以选择坐外面。这不完全算discrimination吧。”我换了下坐姿，笑笑：“噢是这样子呢。”

我懒懒地靠在椅背上，近乎卧躺着。我的视线永远是仰望着她的。她睡眼惺忪地看着周围，打量着对面像在做功课的年轻女孩，时不时坐直身子喝了口芦荟柠檬。然后她说起医院的病人。

“有一个他喜欢对着墙上的苏丹agong的照片说话。”

我想了想苏丹是什么样子的。

“我问朋友他在讲什么他们都说好像是在谈一些琐碎事。”
“例如？”
“例如，家里orked不开花之类的。”
“maybe他认识agong吧。”我尽量淡淡的回应，试着把跟苏丹讲话当作是件理所当然的事。我好像能了解他们。

“嗯，可能。有一个好像还有master degree的。”
“太stress了？”
“医生说他normal时就很normal。当他到处跟人讲他的thesis时就是他病又发作了。”我点了点头。

“他药你不能一包一包就这样子丢给他，”她边说边做了个丢药的手势，“他不会要的。你要pack好好organize好好他才收。然后，他跟你说thank you你没有理他，他会重复直到你讲you‘re welcome为止。”

“不过，这没有关黐线不黐线了吧。”我伸了个懒腰。
“你在discriminate疯人吗？”
“没有。”
“曾经有个MO在ward里给病人掐死了呢。”

风轻轻地吹着。我想像这时我抽了根烟。她流一条黑色的眼泪。

goat

2008-11-23T23:11:00.003+08:00

他顶着水桶大的肚腩，光秃油亮的头上还盖着薄薄一层稀疏的白发。他穿着整齐的西装，说起话来手会跟着情绪轻轻地摆动。讲起他那有着粉红脸蛋的姑娘时，他瞪大眼睛重复了两遍“我愿她拿着细细的皮鞭，不断轻轻地打在我身上。”到最后两个字“身上”的时候还情不自禁地用到了假音，陶醉得微微闭起了眼，脸上泛着幸福的笑容。

A place far away

sampan

2008-10-17T23:58:00.005+08:00

好不容易挤了上船。船内的布设像科幻片里的太空船机舱，似乎再过不久我们会脱离地心吸力，飘浮在空中（或水里）。我们坐进不到一米宽的座位（墙上写着55），感觉像久违的、车轮随时会脱落的selangor bus。座位上方两旁长长地排着崭新没被用过（还没被用过）的救生衣，鲜橙色，与船舱破旧黯淡的theme完全不协调，竟然不像是船内该出现的物品。不过人们似乎并没有被这充满危机感的不协调影响，支游淡定地有说有笑，交换虾饼吃。隔着走廊另一边的座位坐了个印度家庭，有个严肃的爸爸，印度哥哥坐在妈妈腿上，脚上晃着闪闪发亮的波鞋，轻轻睡着了。我们都累了，静静地成了船的一份子，对着身旁本来吵得很烦人的boatmate油然升起了莫名其妙的亲切感，好像如果下一秒触礁的话我们好歹也死在同一条船上，算是曾经出生入死。

外头马达把世界一切的声音都抹去。冷气无声地在吹着。前面电视放着卡拉ok金曲，不知名的auntie歌星嘴巴一张一合地唱着《甜蜜蜜》。

Dayung Sampan (Teresa Teng)

buddha

2008-10-08T23:09:00.009+08:00

one day a chinese couple came to my counter. chinese guy did the talking. "PRB, two tickets, please." i couldn't believe what i've heard, this guy must be kidding, i rebuked angrily, "what?" "P, RB," chinese guy pointed at the poster behind me, "is the show on?" i was stunned for a moment, then burst out a huge laugh. everybody looked at me in disbelief. "why? what happened?" chinese guy seemed bothered, he lapped his hand over his chest, trying to squeeze some smile on his face. "oh nothing, this is the first ticket, you two are the only watching," and feeling that i have the responsibility to explain to them, "its a malay movie u know." "ya i know," chinese guy answered coldly. then there's a moment of silence. "i mean, everyone's watching mamamia, u know, those movies." he didn't reply, i could almost see "no, i don't know." on his face. "you guys are weird." still he didn't say a word. "is it good?" i tried to show some interest, to calm him down. "not a good one, i suppose, since nobody's watching." for a moment a strong feeling of guilt gushed onto my head. i felt that i have violated their rights. i was tearing apart their little hope and pure honesty of just wanting to watch a not so famous, local movie.

they were right. just being not famous and local doesn't mean the movie is not good. maybe they were here to enlighten me. i recalled i see light shining behind their shoulders when they just smiled standing there peeping on me through their sepet eyes. i felt i see buddha. i decided to give myself a chance. the next day i bought myself a ticket and walked into the theater. i was the only one watching.

and what crap. i wasn't seeing buddha. i was just being sentimental too easily.

night shift

2008-08-14T22:09:00.003+08:00

半夜，我被吵醒。是只女鬼。她说ei你可以睡过去那边吗这里我要睡。我半睁着眼，很不愿意地告诉她，这里我一直在睡啊好不容易才睡着你不能到别的地方睡吗。她说这里我睡惯了，从很久以前就睡这里了啊我。我翻过身说有多久了呢。好久好久了，她说，医院还是klinik的时候，我就经常在这里睡午觉了，病人少，生病严重点的都不用来拿药很容易就死了，所以都很的空，可以睡午觉。我敷衍着她希望能打发他走说是啊现在病人多，我们还要轮夜班呢很累呢你能将就下吗。她说不能我就只能睡这边。我说为什么呢。她说没办法啊，其实，我决定要死也是因为受不了老板，那天不小心给多病人两包药就被骂得狗血淋头了，才两包啊，像要了他的命，我觉得没意思，就在那风扇挂了条绳子，啊现在都装冷气了啦，就是那放药的架子上，以前就有把风扇，旧了，整天吵得要死，我就在那风扇挂了条绳子吊死的，吊死过后的一段时间，我都是吊在风扇上睡的，不过过后他们把风扇拆了，我就没地方睡了，因为OP里到处都睡了鬼啊，因为实在死过太多pharmacist了，我好不容易才霸到这里，所以你就帮帮忙吧。我说我也好不容易霸到这里啊，我也有受不了的老板啊，我只是没死而已，怎么我就应该把位子让给你呢。她说因为这位子是我的。我说也可以说是我的啊，怎么你就不早点来霸住先呢。她说我有啊，只是去上了厕所，回来就被你睡了。我说我也没办法啊。她说酱我就要不客气了啰。然后她就缓慢又温柔地把颈项伸长，一点一点向我靠过来，纤细的右手把盖在脸上的长发掀开，嘴巴张得比足球还大，牙齿间把腐烂的舌头一寸一寸像我耳朵舔过来。还滴着黄色的唾液。

我受不了，嘀咕着爬了起来，把枕头搬到以前女鬼上吊现在已经不在了的风扇下，继续发我的梦。她说，谢谢啦。

wait

2008-01-10T17:41:00.000+08:00

两条马路的转弯处，转弯和直走的白线连接形成一个三角形的地方，一只狗停下来大便。我在对面等交通灯变绿，静静地看着。

Pink Flamingos (1972)

toll

2008-01-03T23:26:00.000+08:00

奇怪的toll收费员uncle一直都低着头，仿佛在思考着一些复杂的问题。比如在盘算着今天来了多少辆车，总共找了多少粒五角硬币。他只用眼角悄悄瞄了瞄我手上的一块钱，心想，第一千三百六十七粒，然后，从铁门后面看不见的地方迅速伸出右手接过纸币，抽回去的同时左手已经在准备着他今天的第一千三百六十七粒五角，干净利落的，近乎反射动作似的，找了我钱。奇怪的toll收费员uncle动作虽然快，却没有给人过于急躁的感觉。我想这里头起着决定性作用的是：他在“从我手中接过钱和把手缩回去”那千分之一秒的瞬间里，巧妙地让手在空中停顿了一下。同样的，在把五毛硬币交还我手后，也停了一下，你似乎能听见他心里在想，第一千三百六十七粒，然后才满意地把手伸回去。这里头没有一丝急着要完成的心态，也没有一点点怠惰放松的神情。纯粹是同样的举动重复许多遍了，似乎就领悟到了个中诀窍--原来是这样的感觉呢--然后就这样由得身体自己去把动作完成似的。

roof tile

2007-11-28T23:10:00.000+08:00

one fine afternoon. a sudden wind blew and awaken the hovering clouds lazing over the head. Balls of cotton condensed into thousands or millions of water droppets and fell with the force of gravity. shout and scream of joy and excitement filled the sky as the droppets, bored and waited patiently for so long, eager to know which spot on the earth is awaiting them. some fell on the clothes white and blue and green almost dried up hanging at the back of the house, soaked in between the fibres so fine they had to break and divide themself just to pass through. some fell onto the frangipane leaves, glided over the rough yet sophisicated surface and met up with other friends to land on the ground, then penetrated through layers of soil to find the blinded worms. some lucky one found their way home, fell into the flowing stream that will soon take them back to the sea. the less fortunate one fell on the sizzling tarmac road, just to be immediately heated up and evaporated, and started all over again the prolonged and boring process of reaching up back to the top for the next ride, when any sudden wind blow again. and now there is this big drop like no other. his body was so rounded perfectly you could hardly precisely imagine it. with great momentum he fell onto the one of the thousand roof tiles of one of the thousand houses in the neghbourhood, and splash! the roof tile dropped and broke just in front of the window.

Fine

2007-11-24T17:16:00.000+08:00

L'Eclisse (1962)让人想起小时候傍晚太阳慢慢下山那种讨厌的郁闷感觉。

touchngo

2007-11-24T17:14:00.001+08:00

脑袋发胀。首先察觉到的是隔壁工地晚上在赶工发出的嗒嗒嗒声，在空荡的停车场里徘徊着。慢慢走上斜坡，几千只虫的叫声突然清晰了过来。听见潺潺的水声，像从家里后巷邻居厨房传出来的洗碗的声音。楼下有堆杂草林。有条大沟渠，旁边记得长了几棵柳树。从三楼望出去漆黑的遥远的地方，看见红色黄色的车灯。掺杂了汽车串行的声音。有一辆突然按了声喇叭。上了车，我最近连电台都不开了。听引擎吃力地走着，轮胎摩擦柏油路面的声音。touchngo卡在某个小抽屉里轻轻摇晃。汽车驶过柳树旁，看见附近的印尼工人，在昏黄街灯下走过。像鬼魂般消失在影子低下。

vitagen

2007-10-26T22:44:00.000+08:00

放工，我把车子驾进车龙里。尽管脑袋已经不怎么能动了，心情还是会莫名其妙感到烦躁。旁边经过的一辆巴士，喷了一堆黑烟，贴在车身上爱国广告里的人们都假假地笑得很让人讨厌。放眼望过去这一堆走得慢吞吞的车里的就是坐着一堆这样的人啊，我想。个个笑起来应该也是很假，很让人讨厌。就算不假，总之就是总有什么地方会让人讨厌的吧，我想。我看见你们车子的背影就能想象得到了，你们让人讨厌的样子。

前面那辆维他精小货车的司机，顺手就把一小撮垃圾往车窗外丢了出去。是一小罐刚喝完的维他精呢。我想像这位驾着维他精小货车的大叔，手握着车盘正喝着维他精的样子，想到原来这世界上有人是除了送维他精，还喝维他精过日子的，竟然忍不住笑了起来。人们其实也有不让人讨厌的地方。

dacafe

2007-10-16T22:30:00.000+08:00

come to think about it, it's weird to have somebody telling you in your guest book you have some nice shots! and keep up the good work. ya it was some encouragement, but really i do not need to be 'encouraged' to keep it up. or well, hmm maybe i need a little, maybe in some other way. years ago a friend told me it must be very lucky to be the person inside your photos. either he/she meant it the way i understand it or actually sarcastically, the other way, it doesn't matter. for those who can still photograph and be photographed, we are indeed very lucky people, like them. perhaps i should myself feel less reluctant, and try to look into the camera and smile more, just as how i wish others to be every time when i look through the lenses. after all, what is there to live for, if it's not these moments of people smiling (or eating, or sleeping, or playing with the elephants and giraffes) that may or may not mean a thing to you.

delicious

2007-09-23T21:58:00.000+08:00

漂亮妈妈穿着时髦大方，化了点状，坐在角落头。六七岁大的哥哥在一旁玩闹着，嘟起嘴拒绝把妈妈喂给他的那口cabonara吃下。他们都有着一样忧郁的大眼睛，总是望向遥远的不知什么地方。像爸爸的男士过后才走了进来，坐在对面。他们聊起天并不像夫妻，有着妈妈带着孩子出来见旧情人般一点的暧昧腼腆。弟弟在爸爸旁边的婴儿车里，睡着。

离开时正自己在唱着歌的哥哥看见我们也正看着他，害羞地笑了笑。妈妈也对我们笑了笑，为孩子的顽皮不好意思地轻轻地道了道歉。

black sheep

2007-09-08T01:08:00.000+08:00

故事是讲为了制造更优良品种的羊科学家就把人类的基因掺进羊里，成功制造出的有一只叫(名字忘了）的完美母羊，其他本来应该被丢掉的失败作品却泄露了出去到处咬人和羊，结果全部变成mutant。老掉牙不过直接了当。而问题在于，关于基因观众们看了其实没什么明白，如果只依赖嘴巴讲戏就没什么看头了。所以为了让我们更加入戏，有些比如如何人羊合一的事情编剧们是非绞尽脑汁不可的。拍哥哥和（名字忘了）完美母羊在房里--哥哥只穿着衬衫，光着屁股在阴暗的角落对着窗外抽烟--就非常神来之笔。接着有以下对白：

“What are you doing in here? ” （弟弟跑进来问道）
“You wouldn't understand.” （哥哥忧郁地回答说）

突然怀念起鼻祖Braindead来了呢。

pete teo

2007-09-06T22:35:00.000+08:00

他坐着的姿势有一点奇怪。与其说是坐着，不如说是像猫一样缩成一团，比较贴切。抱着的吉他已经变成身体的一部分了。时不时垂下头调音时，就像在静静地倾听自己的心脏跳得还好不好，有没有坏掉。他唱完第一首歌就迫不及待想继续抽根烟了。他掏出了一支香烟，向观众要了打火机，别过头去单手点上，就连续猛抽了几口，右手还搭在木吉他上。他吸烟时呼出的烟非常稀薄，几乎还没变成看得见的形状就消失在空气中了。他把头靠在吉他上，点着烟的左手在身后垂下，听着隔壁的歌手唱着他们的歌，在有趣的地方即兴伴奏一两下，然后又猛抽了一两口烟。一直都皱着眉头。

坐在身旁的朋友转过头来对我说，pete teo是灰色的。是吗？我只记得，他叫观众们come on sing with me时，就像在轻轻地哀求情人对自己笑一笑一样。我想他要说的其实是，come on, sing for me.

the Gondry brother

2007-07-25T23:05:00.000+08:00

如果依照发展次序，故事得从多年前讲起。会开始喜欢Chemical Brothers是因为他们的Star Guitar MV。那是一部奇特的影片，镜头被固定在火车的大镜旁静静拍出去，窗外的景象往后奔驰，景物呼应着音乐的节奏出现在眼前。（而第一次真正听Chemical是多年后，他们的debut 《Exit Planet Dust》，有一段时间我是听着他们的电音过日子的，像喝咖啡。）

那是题外话，Chemical不是这次的主角。这天衣无缝的Star Guitar是出自Michel Gondry的手笔，当然窗外的风景不可能如此天衣无缝地附和着节奏。他做了些手脚。他把零碎的影像天衣无缝地剪接在一起，构成一部可以"看"的音乐。如果你像我一样并不怎么认同这种手法，去看看他们是怎样制作的，自然不得不甘拜下风。Michel Gondry是拍广告和MV出身，然而会喜欢Michel Gondry是因为他的Eternal Sunshine（of The Spotless Mind）。（而其实会喜欢Eternal Sunshine是因为Charlie Kaufman。）Michel Gondry擅长于：很厉害的剪接技术（像另一首Chemical的Let Forever Be)，虚假难分的影像处理，有点冷冷淡灰色的画面和很小孩子的道具（像Bjork Human Behaviour ）。

那也是题外话，Michel Gondry不是这次的主角。当然接下来要讲到的Oliver Gondry也不是。Oliver Gondry和Michel Gondry是兄弟。Oliver Gondry开始是Michel Gondry的助手，过后自己也出来拍了些很棒的广告。我是比较喜欢Oliver Gondry的。如果你还记得The Matrix里Neo慢镜头避开子弹是怎样拍的，Oliver Gondry在OK GO!晕眩的Do What You Want里把它发扬了光大。他用了28部摄影机在不同角度拍摄，再把他们连在一起，配合音乐，画面也跟着摇摆起来。原来，我以为CG才办得到的东西，花些心思，加些电脑科技，传统的摄影手法也能很好玩。

所以--这才是这次的重点--看过这精彩绝伦的Do What You Want,可能你就不会讲变形金刚精彩了。(嗯，我是在针对变形金刚。)

p/s: 如果还有时间，看看OK GO!One Million Ways里one shot的团体舞，也同样很精彩。

salute

2007-07-24T23:01:00.000+08:00

并不是说我看戏没深度，这是我站在一般观众的立场下写下的（我在影射一般观众看戏没深度）。

变形金刚如果不谈变形金刚、车子和CG的话，可以谈美女。自从上一次的the island过后我深信（或慢慢相信）导演迈克尔·贝选角有他自己的一套哲学。斯嘉丽·约翰逊不需演就已经很精彩了。单单站着就很好看了，何况还要跑来跑去。记得之前armageddon有谁吗？对，丽芙·泰勒。似乎如果不选她的话男主角抛下一切的故事演起来就不够悲壮了，选她观众才能更容易被说服这真是个非常大的牺牲。transformer的梅甘·福克斯开始并不怎么讨好，慢慢看下来就不小心上瘾了。我喜欢那种在混乱场合里还能在某种程度上自己照顾自己的女主角。像pearl harbour女护士凯特·贝金赛尔。不说可能你留意不到，最近难得还不错的vacancy里的就是凯特·贝金赛尔。

我绝对没有贬义（有的话会很坦白说出来的），迈克尔·贝第一部导的video是替playboy拍的。果然才华很早就被发掘出来了...

wiper

2007-07-23T22:59:00.000+08:00

刚买了一对扫水器，想写一篇扫水器的自述：

我是一把雨刮器。通常人们会叫我扫水器，或者刮水器，我想正确的叫法应该是雨刮器，虽然我并不怎么介意。然后，我之所以称自己为一把而不是一对，是因为我真的是一只一只包装着来的，你可以只买一把或者三把，并不需要一对一对买。我和我的同伴被制作成好几种不同的尺寸，我是20寸长的，用在一辆普通的国产车上的话是负责驾驶座那边的镜子。就像世上许多其他的东西一样，我（几乎不需任何理由地）被安排到一位奇怪的主人身边工作。我的主人看起来（或感觉上）很高兴，一放工就把我装了上去。我连跟那对被淘汰的、服务了五年的旧式的天然橡胶雨刮器打声招呼的机会都没有就开始投入工作了。身为新式的silicon制雨刮器，我觉得我的扫水能力真的不错。

下雨的时候我就尽情在雨中挥舞，雨停了就静静躺在车镜上吹风。

尽管生活听起来有一点无聊，不过只要能继续这样当一把雨刮器，我就心满意足了。

exercise

2007-07-05T00:03:00.000+08:00

星期一过后是星期二，星期二过后就是星期三，星期三过后星期四，星期四过后就星期五了。

moleskine

2007-06-11T22:51:00.001+08:00

各种各样的想法会咻一声从脑袋里飘过，像发梦那样不留痕迹，不小心就会忘了。所以写作是件很神奇也很重要的行为，就算我不是常常写也能深刻体会得到。再微不足道的事情一旦被写了下来都会砰一声变得不同凡响起来。就像像这样只要我稍微写一点点关于写作这件事情，稍后我再读起时相信会啊感同身受，默默佩服起自己真的把它写了下来（尽管无聊），不然就一定不记得曾经这样子想过了。所以才有人会设计moleskine出来给van gogh, hemingway或者picasso用，再用来骗人们的钱。如果不是艺术家的话，要涂鸦这么漂亮的东西到底要怎么下手呢？

lunch

2007-04-23T15:39:00.000+08:00

最近開了一檔新加坡叻沙，心血來潮跑去吃了。咖哩湯底，一小撮叻沙蝦面，幾粒鮮蛤，幾條魚餅切絲，一點asam葉，吃起來椰漿味香濃，偶爾帶酸，讓我想起馬六甲Baba Laksa。端來只有半碗，用湯匙拌着吃，剛剛好。口感層次分明，雖然不能說一流，算是驚喜。我想主要還是因為份量不多，點到為止，小食就應該做成這樣，或者說食物本來就應該做成這樣，不用吃得太多也讓人覺得飽滿。

正盤算着還能吃些什么，突然想起最近又開了一檔糖水店，就在附近，二十秒的路程。叫了碗花生糊。濃郁，不會太甜，花生沒煮焦。當然這都不是重點，重點是，花生糊本身就不容易找到啊。老板娘問味道如何，我說ok啊，好吃。我是應該多給她一點鼓勵的。

bolts of lightning from his arse

2007-04-21T20:27:00.000+08:00

basically it's a movie of guys (as wars are games of guys), but i like the feminine touch in the movie, that the woman (you can say 'family' also)is the drive of all the man's belief and fight. i do not like the heroic speeches and cries of freedom before the wars, i like the dream where he met his wife, when the night after the war he saw her soul strolling in between the woods, he approached her, he didn't grab her, just kneed down, looked around, asked her if he was in dream, she nodded and told him he must wake up. that was the most beautiful scene. and at the last moment of his life, before his head was chopped off, he saw his wife in the crowd, smiling at him. with this smile he felt no regret on what he has done in his life, and he can die now. and scotland is freed because of all this. (well this might be misleading, but that is the only part i like about the movie)

oh ya i mean Braveheart.

to myself

2007-03-26T00:24:00.001+08:00

humming softly, originally uploaded by chi kong.

an unknown song

cry

2007-03-19T03:42:00.001+08:00

wind on your face, originally uploaded by chi kong.

my eyes are blur but i can feel the wind on my face.

hunt

2007-03-11T18:42:00.000+08:00

门前，一男子跑过来，大声喊道：“他们来了！”
“哪里？”屋里另一男孩瞄了他一眼，一幅没什么好紧张的嘛的样子，问道。
“就在前面，他们没办法了，来不及了。”
“把门关上。”
于是干净利落地装上架子，把铁门拉了下来。然后女孩把灯关上。先是前面的两盏，然后中间，后面留着两盏。
我还在专注地找寻着我要的东西，藉着仅有的灯光。我看了他们一眼：“没问题吧？”
女孩（这时拿起电话正要通知其他伙伴）对我笑了笑：“可以可以，没问题。”
“那后门，后门也锁上。”男孩没有慌，只是以防万一。

接下来有一阵子的寂静。屋里的空气让人窒息。没有人敢发出声音。我们都不知道会发生什么事。
阳光从铁门下漏了一地。我们看得见有人在门前来回跺步。从左到右，再从右到左。
女孩（紫色T恤，卷发，淡妆，及膝牛仔裤）向屋前走了几步然后，停下，转过头来望了望男孩，神色紧张：“他们到了吗？”
男孩（青色T恤，牛仔裤拖鞋，脑后清爽短发，额前留一小撮长发，染金黄色）放下手中物件，抬起头：“没事”，打了通电话。

“好吧，那出去吧。我们得离开了。”男孩接过命令，对我们说道。
“OK.”我说。

我跟在男孩和女孩后面，小心地走到门前。男孩拉起铁门。刺眼的午后阳光顿时占据了我们的视线。我眯着眼，低下头弯下腰，跨了出去。
男孩抱有歉意地对我说：“不好意思老板，下次再来，最近抓得很紧哪！”
“没关系，我知道。”
然后大步走开，朝着不同的方向，以最快的速度。

my sleepy-head lomo

2007-01-30T03:58:00.001+08:00

searching on clouds, originally uploaded by chi kong.

i decided to write it down for once and ever so that i know how to answer when people throw me the same question again. no i'm not particularly enthusiastic in taking photos. in most cases, i do not shoot because i love shooting, but i feel the need for shooting. just like when you feel something in your heart you know you need to write them down (you can't really tell why). these "something" are meant to be written down, this is their purpose, they came to you and you know it, you have to write them down. while sometimes it does happen also that it doesn't matter if you acknowledge their existence, they just knock on your door and say hi, you smile at them and they just pass. you may feel a slight pity they have gone just like that, but you feel content. you know it's ok you do not photograph (or write about) them. so i spend my days waiting for these moments, waiting for their visit, and i write, or i photograph them, if they needed me. i wish i can be truthful to them, just like how i wish i can be truthful to myself. as they are part of me. this is how i feel about taking photographs.

p/s: i wanted to write about my handicapped lomo (that kept giving me wrong exposure) but it turned out to be something totally different. is this the way "they" wanted to be written? sounds creepy. anyway just to add a little as what i initially intended - i'm actually falling in love with these handicapped, unpredictable and imperfect lomo shots as i find them miriculously echoes to what i have always been feeling - dry and dizzy but warm. perhaps these are the images i always dream for.

thinking about nothing

2007-01-14T03:00:00.000+08:00

我躺在床上，看着天花板。风扇在同一个地方无力地重复着一样的旋转，那儿也去不了。我试着替我所能看得见的房间画对角线。我想像自己正处于一个四方盒子里，被六片呈四方形的平面包围着。这就是我所有的世界。这里没有地心吸力－－或者说，没有称得上是地心吸力的东西－－我只是纯粹在我现在躺着的地方存在着，我并没有飘起来，也没有所谓躺下去。假设没有桌子椅子，没有窗口，没有电脑收音机，之前的风扇也被拿掉。那就开始吧。我从我右边的那面墙开始－－当然那现在已经并不能称为墙了，就像现在在我身后的不是地板，在我身体向着的前方的不是天花板，它们只是四方盒向着内部的其中一面－－我从那墙的左上角开始画一条线对上我左手边那面墙的右下角，再从右手边那面墙的右下角画另一条线对上左手边那面墙的左上角。如此一来盒子里的空间就出现了两条连接墙角的虚构的线（从平面图看呈一个X符号）。然后，我尽我所能试着调整线的两端以便让它们在经过盒子的中央时相遇（或许它们一开始就已经是相遇的，我这时并不确定），再找出其交叉点的位置来消磨时光。

我突然发现我的存在打扰了这空间的平衡与完美性。我想或许我应该想象自己并不存在。没有了思考它们的主体，是不是说盒子和对角线们连同随之的空间的平衡与完美感，也一样随着我的消灭而不存在了呢？也许，事情的存在并不需要一个能思考它的主体来给它赋予任何意义。在这一层意义上，思考的来源总是显得那么的多余和微不足道。把我消除掉，盒子和对角线也能活得好好的吧。没有人会把它们创造出来，也没有人会把它们毁灭掉。它们或许存在，或许不存在。然而，如果本着思考的主体是必然存在的前提下，盒子和对角线的出现又是不是必然的呢？思考能不能丢弃思考的对象而存在着呢？也就是说，除了说我们“没在想任何东西”，我们能不能“想着没有东西”呢？...

（医生我还有得救吗？嗯很难，我尽管试试。）

so i walk away

2007-01-08T04:39:00.000+08:00

this is the experience you might have if you are not a smoker: when you arrive at a mamak stall you will try to find a place as far away as possible from any existing, or potential smoking spot to have your meal. you can choose to sit far from the crowd, but you cant choose to avoid people coming later sitting near to you and starts to smoke, or merely lit up the cig and let it burns. so no matter where you sit, you will still, sooner or later, find yourself trapped in the middle of the unbearable haze. the unpleasant feeling can be described as following: it's like entering a room so packed with people that you have to squeeze in between the shoulders to find a space to stand. suddenly these people take off their pants, squard down, shit on the ground and sniff at their own shit. you think what! these people must be out of their mind and shout out to stop them. they turn their face to you give you a long stare as if telling you, very unwillingly and impatiently, if you don't like it just go play some where else. and they continue shitting and sniffing in style, very elegantly. and burst out laughing like dogs. so you walk away.

nothing more nothing less

2007-01-01T02:58:00.000+08:00

it was sunday. i woke up at 2 in the noon as usual and went out for lunch. the night before we were sms-ing about nonsense until the sun almost came out. for the last time in the year 2006 the sun would rise, i thought i told myself i wouldn't want to miss it, but it is always much easier to dream a morning sun than to actually see one. i spent my noon reading newspaper in the apartment alone while the sun were still shining outside. not long later the sky turned dark, i thought it was going to rain again but i was wrong. by evening the weather was perfect, i decided to go for some basketball games. between the games i managed to catch a last glimpse of the sun appearing from behind the clouds, casting a final 30 seconds of light before it was buried up again. for the last time in the year 2006 the sun set, and i witnessed the event. later in the night we have dinner together as usual. when everybody was planning for their countdown party we went straight back to our apartment and watched tv. at the final moment of 2006, we were busy playing cards, we didn't even notice 2007 is here, finally. we went for supper, the mamak was crowded, and two and a half hour after the time of 2007 start ticking, we were back in the apartment, sleeping. tomorrow will still be another same typical day. nothing more, nothing less.

雨雨雨

2006-12-26T22:28:00.000+08:00

从昨晚不知道什么时候开始雨就静悄悄地下着，非常有耐心地持续下了一天。一不小心习惯了就会错以为天空似乎本来就是应该这样一直下着雨的。在城里长大没有见过水灾，自然也没有见过造成水灾的雨，所以有点大惊小怪。有时会觉得雨慢慢变小了心想应该终于会转晴了吧，不过一阵子后又突然鼓起劲来似的哗啦哗啦壮大起来，过后又渐渐转小，不久后又大了起来，然后又变小－－雨就是如此反复不定跑马拉松似的一直下着下着，有点摸不着头脑。所谓能造成水灾的雨，竟然是如此歇斯底里纠缠不清的。不过这正好。这种雨把人一整天都冰冻在不活跃的状况下，给你足够的理由昏沉地过日子而不必感到愧疚。我尽我所能好好地享受它。不过明早睡醒如果看到雨还在下不晓得会不会开始感到厌烦了呢。或许不会。可能要等到后天才会。那雨最好明天就好停了。我想像了一下我蹲在一间残旧木屋里的凳子上默默看着河水淹进屋里来的画面。雨还是别下了，我想。

maybe it's stupid, but it's also dumb

2006-12-11T16:27:00.000+08:00

squidward was beaten up by the sea bear when he shouted in puzzle, "what have i done wrong?!" spongebob, who hid in the anti-sea bear circle, "i don't know, maybe he just doesn't like you!"

then patrick added, "try to pretend you are not yourself!"
p/s: this is the episode spongebob sings our c.a.m.p.f.i.r.e.s.o.n.g song. they were camping in the "wilderness" 10 feet from their homes (at the front yard).

Are You Awake?

2006-11-28T01:17:00.000+08:00

it hit me when i saw the cover. the same dino caught my eyes. i always remember it was a kinda wet, and dizzy tokyo scene, huge shibuya traffic junction, huge mass of people spreading out in every directions, and a huge animated dino projected on the building facade, walked in slowly as My Bloody Valentine took away our ears. a little dreamish, when Scarlet Johansson lifted her head inspecting this weird and surreal world, and when Bill Murray rubbed his sleepy eyes fascinated by the neon lights that welcome him at his arrival to this stranger city.

found Lost In Translation in the shop, finally. i have to used the word 'finally', because this weird, uncontrolable desire of 'wanting the movie' always strikes me out of no where for some time that i know i need to watch the movie again. it left a cut in my heart at our first encounter a year ago. and now it comes back to me again. once again scene after scene of loneliness so beautifully shot and subtle emptied out all my possible emotions. it does not need many words, just a stare into each other eyes, a shoulder to lean against, giggles exchanged when bump into each other at the corner, mumbling on the bed, confession of me also couldn't get into sleep at night just like you did, and a song of "..more than this, you know there's nothing.." in the karaoke room overlooking the city are enough to warm up my days.

i do not want to watch it again. but i just could not stop missing it.. maybe it had never left any cut inside me. the cuts were there, it comforted them. i feel that pieces of myself are slowly patched up again.

number two

2006-11-20T20:22:00.000+08:00

no. 11, originally uploaded by chi kong.

we lost the game and got no. 2.

quietly

2006-11-20T19:17:00.000+08:00

when the sun was up high in the sky sunlight could easily filter through the balcony and warmed up the floor in the living room. i was alone in the apartment sitting on the carpet flipping through every words in the paper that caught my attention. the poet i love wrote something about his encounter with another poet he (and i) loves. he was dissapointed realising she is just another ordinary person. on the sheet at the back my fav writer talked about his little daugther again and a new word-of-the week. fun and hilarious as usual. Kundera's unbearable lightness of being was finally published in czech. the original version. the sport section has news on YaoMing, but i anticipated Kobe Bryan more. he is the reason im still catching up with the games. in the sunday special i got into the story of the uncle selling chicken rice in Melaka - how he 'accidentally' bought two historical houses along jonker street, how he was 'forced' by the local government to refurbish them instead of his original plan to turn them into carparks, how hard times had been throughout the years, and how grateful he was now that the buildings were kept. i was paritulcarly attracted by how the reporter (i should say 'writer') ends the story. at the day the refurbishment was finally completed, the uncle's mother (who started the business since 1940s with the uncle's father) took a chair and sit across the street looking back at her new premises, and she stared at it for a very, very long time. i stopped and imagined for a while, how, frames by frames, her past 50years of life rolled back into her memory.

i threw myself onto the bed. covered my chin with the blanket still flushed with the pleasant smell of the morning sun. looking out through the half-open casement window. with my eyes half closed. the clouds were moving so slowly, and quietly.

伊藤润二

2006-11-08T05:15:00.000+08:00

想起伊藤润二的一部短篇。

话说男孩好久没出现了，女孩就跑去找他。男孩躲在自己的房里，似乎几天没睡了，几近虚脱，好像遇上了点麻烦。男孩对女孩说，他不能睡，不然里面的自己就会跑出来。怎么样跑出来呢？皮肤的内则会从手指的顶端开始，从嘴巴钻出来（就像折衣服时把衣服从里面反过来一样），接着手臂，肩膀，胸部，腹部，大腿，小腿，最后连头也从里到外反了过来时，这个我们看得见的自己的身体的表层完全被翻到里面去，皮肤的内层则翻了出来，里面的自己就跑出来了，干坏事（好像是吃人〕。所以男孩不能睡，女孩就留了下来监视。一天两天过去了，有几次不小心还是睡着了，还好来得及醒过来，把自己拉回出来。不过人的体力还是有极限的，最后他们都放弃了，女孩舍不得男孩，把自己的手用胶带绑在男孩的手上...故事的最后，女孩失踪了好几个礼拜，警察找上男孩家来。房里只有一个人。黑暗中看得见男孩站在窗口边咧嘴而笑...

觉得自己非常能体会那种感觉--那种一旦睡着了就挽救不回了的恐惧。醒来时后悔自己又睡着了。

p/s:后悔的同时把漫画找出来看了，故事与记忆中的有点出入（毕竟那是好几年前的事了），竟然没有咧嘴而笑呢。趁还没被删除之前，去看看吧...

five pm

2006-10-26T16:21:00.000+08:00

..walking on the street, i was looking for a building, with a book in my bag. the place was packed with hostels (i could see no hostel however, the was no evidence, i just felt so), so i thought why don't i get a place to stay first, before i continue searching. i looked at my watch, 5 PM. not long ago i still remembered i was walking under the sun, sudenly without knowing how it happened, it was already all dark. i asked the two girls following me (i swear i do not know them, and they were not pretty, i do not know why were they following me), "it's only 5 in the evening why is it already all dark?" they looked into their watch (or a clock they brought with them). it was 12.30 midnight. oh no, my watch must have broken. 12.30 in the middle of the night and i have not got myself a place to sleep? i was worried, and i woke up.

i checked the alarm clock beside my bed, 5 PM already. damn it, no work done again today. i were only suppose to nap a while, and when my friend comes (which, she didn't), i'll wake up at 1pm and do my work. all frustrated i decided to sit my back up and type a sms. only then i discovered, clearly carved on my alarm clock, it was only 4 PM. i was delighted.

what a dream and what reality i'm in. but how unfair. i lost 7 and a 1/2 hours in my dream but only gained back 1 hour in reality. and i spent half of the one-hour i earned just now, typing this post.

confession

2006-10-23T15:49:00.000+08:00

pain is part of the beauty, originally uploaded by chi kong.

browsing through nearly infinite number of photos of my friends (seriously speaking i do not know how many of them can really be categorized under this term, but then we just try to achieve some kind of consensus and simply called them "friends", for we need to make things easier, without forgeting the fact that whatever you inteprete from the term may not be what i really refer to.) makes me believe what a wonderful world it is outside there. world that is full of smiles. one will only show pictures in which he or she looked the prettiest and happiest, surrounded by (many more) friends, in front of beautiful scenery, tasting tasty food. i do not know whether they were really possessing a happy life as it appeared to be (i sure hope they are), or were just trying to con me by hiding all the interesting part behind, creating an illusion aimed to confuse me i'm the only one who felt the unbearable lightness (this again, is a difficult term to handle) when staring long enough into the sky. i possess a depressing life, but i try to live truthfully.

about leaving glasgow

2006-10-15T17:49:00.000+08:00

leaving glasgow, originally uploaded by chi kong.

离开酷热的罗马，在伦敦转机，飞往格拉斯哥。不小心习惯了意大利不可理喻的夏日温度，伦敦的机场变得异常寒冷，连你都这么说。我们都有点招架不住（早晨的的那杯热可可让人又活了过来），不过在机场长椅上发着抖勉强入睡时的心情是有点松了口气似的欣慰－－旅程终于结束了，我们真的走完该走的路，正回着家了。不必再劳累奔波束腹挨饿可以回家了。曾几何时我也把那里当成家了。我在世界的另一个尽头的另一个家。

格拉斯哥。

最后接下来的那几天其实也不记得什么了（发霉的房间，忙着整理，淹水的冲凉房，同学母亲的下厨，新电视，教堂的那场洗礼和告别会，餐馆的排骨，便利店的晚餐，凌乱的毕业典礼，都微不足道〕，不过我们曾经并肩走了好多次从宿舍通往城里的那段路，却一直都留在脑海里。也不晓得为什么入夜的街道总让我神迷，淡黄的街灯，人都回家去了，有一点荒凉，有一点潮湿，整齐的街景少了来往的人群，有一点超现实。我们还曾经怀疑白天那熙攘的路人是怎么回事，大家都似乎不必上班，那穿着西装吹着气袋的英俊男子，还有那拉二胡的，还有卖会跳舞的米奇老鼠的。那里是我第一次经历寒冷夜晚的残酷的漫长路途，只穿了两件稀薄衣服去开双人生日派对的我们，相互搓着双手甚至双脚终于也抖了回房，以为会冻死街头了。还没二十三就冻死了。我们曾经幻想在那建筑系大楼前面的草坪上野餐，学人家晒太阳。光顾街边的kebab店买晚餐时，你要介绍我那有点性格的老板，不过不在。我们在便利店嘲笑学弟妹比较价钱（你以过来人的语气，我只纯粹贪爽〕，然后拎着大包小包回家都是最便宜的，一面走一面呵着气。有一段倾斜的上山路，每经过路口会有食物的香味（面包吗？），拾级而上时喘一喘气就没有这么冷了。我们经过以前曾经是医院的广场时（有个巨型别针），有架飞机从天上划过。那是我们牵着手（挽着手吗？）走过最远的路。因为漂泊的旅程必须有个依据点，所以我们选了那一座城市和那一个温度。重复走着那条路。

我记得一个人拿着相机摸索到麦当劳去找你，途中迷了些路；一个人拿了张不怎么准的地图拜访麦金塔，差点回不来，看见市政局前熟悉的广场时知道不远就到家了，突然只想睡个好觉。如果漂泊的日子必须有个依据点，我想那会就是你了吧。

（写得有点造作，有点不像自己，不过记忆是真实的。格拉斯哥当然是指Glasgow,而麦金塔指Charles Rennie Mackintosh, 已故著名建筑师，格拉斯哥的骄傲。他的Glasgow School of Art以一间单一建筑物的学校来说确实精彩，不过还是喜欢他的家具。那天千里迢迢坐了一个多小时的巴士去找他在郊区的灰色小房却来不及赶上关门时间，回程时在人不多的巴士站焦虑下一档巴士到底会不会到来。撇开焦虑不谈，那是个优美的小镇，挨着Gare Loch像大海，途中经过田园和成群的绵羊，还有金黄色开满整座山的花。）

been in my heart quietly

2006-10-13T07:56:00.000+08:00

been in my heart quietly, originally uploaded by chi kong.

memories carve only the strongest lines in your heart. this is all i need to show you how much you mean to me.

3.00 am

2006-10-13T06:20:00.000+08:00

i was brought by a lady to a place, or a room, or some sort. we are going to talk about something. a movie script. she pointe d to a small space far inside the room and said let sit over there i might have many question to ask, while taking off her jacket. it was a corner with table and chairs (how many chair how many table?) with some warm light, table lamp. iot (it) wasnt a night mare until here. at least i still couldnt sense the fear, so i suspect it wasnt a night mare until, the story line changed, a old lady is coming out from a rear door somewhere, toilet that attached froom (to) the room. n somehow ithe (the) angle (changed), the camera was (now) from inside the otilet (pointing out from inside of the toilet), shooting at the solhoute (silhouette) of the old lady on the back light of (backing with)the warm light just now, come out from the dark toilet. the old lady said oh im sorry, she was sory for disturbing us, or she doesnt know there were people in the room, so she step back, why would somebody step back into the toilet? continue from the dark scene tht followed after the old lady shut the door, (the following scene akwardly shifted to) the director, i suspect it was me, was shut into a dark room. some how. somebody, the lady maybe, was trying to play a joke with him, she shut him into some black (dark) room. it was total black (dark). i suddenly realised i was shut inside a black (dark) room. there is not place to struggle. i was afraid. i remember seemingly i was with another person, the person shouted and shouted so loud let me out let me out. from here the character breaks into two. (but) it wasnt two person. its me who breaks out from the character just now, some sort of (something like) soul escaping from the body, i was floating somewhere, or be at somewhere, looking at my physical self shouting. and i try to calm down, with the big mass of fear inside myself. no point shouting, calm down calm down. i was looking at myself, trying to convince myself to calm down. and from here, i think, it shifted (turned)into a night mare , which is not uite (quite) worth talking about anymore. some sort of ghost chasing and killing, and the lady i was with in the begining was a monster, and the character i played (th director) was seduced with another freind of mine into the room, so tht she can kill us. but it was shwon (shown) from another persepctive as i explain earlier, third person view, as if watchin a movie, with your self inside, the me who are watching the movie, was trying to save the me who are oging (going) to be killed. erm no, i think the me who try to save, the me (whom) i thought only the viewer, have actually became part of the dream, playing another charater. and it goes with some very big eyes staring at your, somebody trying to kill the big eye monster. it wasnt the ladyy x but another lady y tht was actually not a monster but people tot she was (what is this?..ha), so trying to kill her. while the real monster x with (was?) with me and my friend inside the room. while the other me who knows everything was trying to save the lady y (and) to save myself. the last thing i could remember is i was jumping out from the balcony, and fly away, backwardly. there has been some time (since) i dreamt of flying. and i woke up.

miraculously, i could c the moon from inside my room while i peek thru the windowm talking to myself what a night mare.

p/s: it was written at the very moment i got up from sleep (i was blur, still in the dream), and i decided to post it in its most original state (with words added afterward in italic to make sense of the lines). no it was not written, it's more like a splash of thought, or of things i still remember, things i try to grab back. bear the loose structure and grammar mistake, it's an interesting process thou..

filthy

2006-10-13T05:20:00.000+08:00

the unusual incident of me nearly got into a fight with the mr architect morning yesterday during the crit session convinced me that i'm going on the right path. i was expecting the debate from the begining of my thesis, and the fact that it was not happening until now (i was in certain extent becoming less cautious and less prepared) stunned me for a moment and i was not quite ready to react on it. such a pity. he stopped me in the middle of my not-so-fluent presentation (i was nervous of course), said i'm the only one who understand what i'm doing, condemed my computer-generated-ugly-looking drawings as if i killed his favourite cat, and turned to our panels questioning why i was approved in doing such an insignificant design thesis (thesis has to be big enough to be a thesis, this is the logic for most people, for example you have to do a ferry terminal or bus station, which does not interest me at all). i did not say a word (realising yes i wasn't doing a very good job either, you please criticise me) until he used the word 'filthy' to bring out his point "..and you want to put all these filthy food stalls on such a historical site.." i lost my cool and start raising my voice as if he killed my favourite.. something. "well i'm looking at it in a different way..(bla bla) this is what brings character to our city...(bla bla) it is filthy because we the architect did not give a shit about it." (of course i didn't use the word 'shit', i said 'we never concern about it') you see beautiful buildings, why couldn't you see it mr architect, those are not filthy food stalls. everything that is not beautiful is not worth seeing (and doing), is that what you mean?

and i happened to be the one presenting when the visiting students from Sudan started joining us, damn it, i must have looked very stupid.. (thou no there were not any pretty babe around..) but i'm glad i have some temper.

昏睡

2006-10-06T04:47:00.000+08:00

dry myself up, originally uploaded by chi kong.

又昏睡了一整天过后，我必须认真地找寻之所以活得这么狼狈的起源。希望事情并没有想象的复杂，其实只是懒惰，懒惰是没有原因的，就没有必要如此煞尽心思。又或者疲劳，睡多了到了晚上就不能睡，晚上不能睡白天自然会多睡一点，理所当然。也可能是无聊，天气炎热，房间隔绝抑或床铺温暖等。然而如果是因为比较麻烦的理由，比如在逃避某些东西的话，就有点难搞了。就打最坏的打算，假设最后的假设是成立的，慢慢往源头的源头前进看看。

我在逃避什么？逃避我所不得不做的事情。事情既然可以不得不做，就没有做的理由，和乐趣了。使命感或责任感固然偶尔能帮得上忙，不过维持不久只因为那是骗人的东西（吧）。当你发现自己摆荡在主观的现实和客观的现实之间时，就会陷入一种如同四百米接力项目的状况中，逃得离起点越远，就离起点越近，没有终点。而我每天都在跑。

我想我是愤世嫉俗的。喜欢走反方向，尽管没有理由，只因为不想同流合污。这并没有让我层次提高，我只是纯粹想反叛，有点自命不凡。萨比娜会对我说我喜欢你只因为你是媚俗的反面。地球在转月亮也跟着在转，所以我们只能看得见月亮的一面（恰逢中秋应景一下）。我是希望自己能坚定一点的。继续享受在全部人都睡着的凌晨（房间灯关了就表示已经安然入睡）驾着车穿过无人的大马路（因为没车可以慢慢地驾，几乎不必踩油），吹着风去吃我的印度煎饼。不会遇到认识的人的，这是凌晨的印度煎饼的意义所在。当然偶尔还是希望能奇迹般地遇见他他还是她，一样活在昏睡之中的，就也不必心惊胆战地过日子了。其实我也不一定要逃跑的，可以坐下来轻松喝杯拉茶。我是真的希望自己能坚定一点点的。

到后来我只是不断给自己找藉口，还是不曾正视过自己的处境？我决定再昏睡一天找寻答案。

absolutely alright

2006-10-03T17:55:00.000+08:00

1. early class. despite the heavy rain outside atmosphere in the seminar room was in contrary, hot - friends fought to raise up their hands, waved it in the air to attract the lecturer's attention and shouted out consciously and unconsciously. everybody seems to have something to say. this is unusual as you could imagine. 8.30 in the morning when half of my (i believe i can use 'our') soul was still in the dream, if it was not our beloved lecturer who announced, now flip thru your PAM Form, every question asked, you get 1 mark, every question answered, 2, nobody (i may be too subjective, yes there may be somebody) would like to say a word. i was not quite ready for the change.

2. later in the lunch, on the dining table, the debate carried on, on some different issues. so did you settle the hostel thing? it was me who started it. no, tomorrow maybe, B answered. and it went on about how we were charged 400 bucks for our hostel only two weeks ago when the semester is going to end, paying 50 bucks to cancel our name, how the U actually (cunningly) arranged us - the whole batch - in only two small rooms knowing that we are not going to live in campus, how the protest has been voiced out in our Tanggam website, and etc. i was surprise by this sudden gush of dissatisfaction and anger that have actually been brewing up among my friends for some times, while i was still living in a pineapple under the sea.

3. so today i learned ya i was wrong there are actually two things that still have the magical power to make us stand up for and speak up - matter concerning exam marks, and matter concerning money. no there is nothing wrong with this, don't get me wrong. it is absolutely all right.

a short passage about killing

2006-09-25T13:48:00.000+08:00

you will not see the blood, originally uploaded by chi kong.

From preparing the slaughtering ring (fill up enough water for washing, sharpen the knife), to selecting the lucky one and get her ready (tie her up and hang her from the ceiling) and - once her neck is cut and she struggles a little and finally stops moving - the butchering work (peel off the skin, cut off the head, seperate inner organs from the meat, clean up her intestine etc), you need at least five tough guys to kill a cow in the "traditional way". It is a laborious task, but skilled butchers do it very quickly. From the moment you see the light of the morning sun to the moment you start feeling the warmth, it's all done. While to kill a chicken you need only two not so tough guys. One will grab her on the wings with one hand and on her head with the other, show the neck to his partner for a quick cut and dump her into the big bucket beside and let her bleed, before she is thrown into some machine to be stripped off. As simple as that you do not even need to blink twice. Fish is the simplest of all. They are killed when they leave the water. The fisherman do not need to do a thing (to kill the fish).

Thank these people for doing all these stuffs for us. We do not need to be responsible for what we eat. They are taken care of. We didn't kill them, somebody did.
p/s: this is a tribute to Kielowski's A Short Film About Killing.

竟然没发现

2006-09-23T04:04:00.000+08:00

not so cold anymore, originally uploaded by chi kong.

只记得窗口对着平时不是很多车的路口，要时时开着，因为房里发霉。天气还是很冷的虽然已经夏天了。白色暖气炉只是装饰。墙壁是蓝色的，冷冷的蓝色。窗外偶尔有人慢步走过，聊着天也只是轻声细语。风吹过树叶会随着摇摆一下，不过静静地。除了每天傍晚（什么时候才算傍晚呢）倾斜的夕阳还有被遗留在那儿的两朵黄色小花之外，不记得房间曾经是这么温暖的黄色了。

练习写作

2006-07-26T01:50:00.000+08:00

好的！从今天起我要练习写作以备不时之需。

存在的意義|

2005-12-21T23:07:00.000+08:00

在想，在還沒有有讀者之前，自己到底是在跟誰在說話呢？那些日夜坐在電腦前整理思緒的朋友們，心里是不是都在想像着世界的某處真的會有這么一個人會默默地聽你說話，才能寫出點什么來呢？我（們）真的能相信沒有對象對你點頭微笑的談話嗎？...有一天，有人會不小心發現這段可憐的文字，然后賦予它一點點存在意義的吧？